The Drug that is D/s.

There are thousands of web pages written about D/s. Many explain what it is, how to conduct oneself, techniques, methods, and protocols. Others give us the opportunity to meet others of a like mind and exchange views and ideas in chat rooms and forums. These pages are all designed to help each of us to conduct our D/s in an informed and safe way. Every page or article has its merits, even those we don’t agree with.I have seen very few articles which attempt to explain the “nature” of D/s and how, once we have experienced some form of D/s or BDSM, it becomes very difficult to walk away and never go back.

In many ways D/s is like a drug, and a very addictive one at that: once you have experienced it you will find you need more and more, you need to feed the habit. Most people have an inherently addictive nature; that is, having experienced something we enjoy or which satisfies a need that we have (either mental, physical, or both) we find we must return to that continually to satisfy the continual demand which we have created within ourselves for that. Most people’s first experience of D/s (or BDSM) can be very much “on the surface” and will often be couched in terms of “kinky sex”: maybe some bondage, or spanking.

Quite often these activities might be regarded as simply an extension of our sexual gratification, ways to add a little spice to what might have become a little stale and “always the same”. Of course there is nothing wrong with this and indeed many people never take their BDSM any further than that. Their needs are satisfied in those ways, although we should see that their needs are that: a requirement for the additional experiences created by the physical and mental stimulation obtained by participation in D/s and BDSM activities.

From those first almost furtive moments when we might try some bondage or spanking there are many for whom the sudden realisation of the incredible mental and physical possibilities available to us through D/s becomes abundantly clear.At first we may be embarrassed to admit our likes and enjoyment of these activities even to our partner. Sometimes of course the partner with whom we take these first steps may not share the same conviction as ourselves: that D/s is something we need or want. For many this of course can lead to a relationship crisis because if one partner wants some form of D/s or BDSM in their lives, and the other does not, suddenly we find we are looking outside the relationship for that fulfilment.

This is going to be, in many cases at least a recipe for long term disaster within a relationship. During these first experiments with D/s many couples find that each has a preference for a particular role within the relationship: either Dominant or submissive. By nature people are either more dominant or more submissive and that dominance of one may well complement the submissiveness of the other.This of course is what defines many D/s relationships: a meeting of a dominant and a submissive nature thus creating a mutually rewarding partnership from which both parties get some kind of fulfilment. At this point having discovered that we are either Dominant or submissive we can begin to delve deeper into our needs and wants, thereby further enhancing these experiences, getting more and more from what we do as we learn to tailor these activities to better satisfy the needs of ourselves and our partners.

Many people believe at first that they are the only ones who have discovered these “odd” desires. They find it extremely awkward to talk about them, even to each other, although over time and especially within a healthy D/s relationship communication becomes a major and vital role in further expressing our continued desires and enables us and our partners to achieve that mutuality upon which all good relationships are based.Having accepted the role within a relationship of either the dominant or submissive, of controlling or being controlled (to a lesser or greater degree depending on the relationship) it can be as if a great weight has been lifted from the shoulders of both parties.

For those who are naturally D/s allowing free reign to these qualities can be so rewarding that once found one often wonders how we ever managed without this in our lives. As we all know, activities of any kind are controlled by the brain, whether they be voluntary or involuntary. At the simplest level this may be explained by a series of chemical changes which happen either before during or after certain actions or as a result of other activities. Take as an example the release of endorphins. Endorphins are naturally occurring substances within the brain which are similar in their chemical makeup to pain killers like morphine.Endorphins are very powerful painkillers (sometimes thought to be 10,000 times more powerful than morphine).

When, within our BDSM activities we create pain the body produces endorphins as a result. As well as nullifying the effect of pain endorphins create a “high” within us which, depending upon how intense the stimulation is and for how long, can be pleasant and which we will subsequently associate with pleasure and good experiences. It is worth remembering at this point that there are two kinds of “pain”: we refer to these as “pain pain” and “pleasure pain”. The first can be thought of as simply the nasty effect of hitting the thumb with a hammer – it bloody hurts! The second, and that which we are more concerned with here, is the pain which goes hand in hand with the erotic interchange of D/s: spanking, clamping, flogging etc.Although this pain may well be as intense as the “pain pain” from the hammer the environment and situation within which it is created is entirely different.

In most cases (and in my view it should be all) the infliction of this pain should be consensual i.e. “I agree to you doing this to me within the boundaries that we have set and I reserve the right to call an unconditional halt at any time should I feel uncomfortable with it”. [Note: The idea expounded here is that of a "safeword": the use of a pre arranged signal between parties which calls a halt to any activity as a result of some problem, whether actual or perceived. This of course is something which should always be (in my view) maintained within the Safe, Sane and Consensual aspects of what we undertake within a D/s or BDSM relationship. It also should be remembered that a dominant can use a safeword too].

That last statement of course takes the view from a submissive’s perspective. It should be remembered also that the dominant can become “uncomfortable” too, with signs or signals they might receive from the submissive (body language). Many subs feel they have failed if they “safe out” and will often endure “pain pain” rather than use a safeword.

It therefore becomes a major responsibility of the Dominant to be aware of these hidden signals and to call a halt to activities if that is the case.The perspective of the Dominant may be summed up by the statement: “I agree to do this to you within the boundaries we have set but I reserve the right to stop if I am uncomfortable with what I am doing, seeing, to or from the submissive”.

Continuing the drug analogy, most people who have a habit of any kind usually start small and find their need for a fix grows over time.Once the habit is established regular fixes are required to stop the onset of withdrawal (cold turkey). Similarly in D/s the effects of both mental and physical activities become, in a sense, “habit forming”. We seek them out more and more and as time passes they become more intense too, thus enabling the body to attain the endorphin high which is produced as a result.

The need to increase the activity level can be likened to the effect of becoming immune to a drug: take the same dose over a period of time and the effects are less and less as the body becomes used to it. To continue gaining the desired effect we often need to step up the dose.

This fits very well with the observation that within a D/s relationship we must continually try new things in an attempt to deepen the intensity and experience which we gain from it. As well as these very obvious physical effects we should never forget the “mental” aspects of D/s. By their very nature those who are either Dominant or submissive have needs which they have admitted must be satisfied. For a Dominant there is the need to control, to take responsibility and to make decisions. For the submissive it is the need to serve, to please, and to relinquish control and decision making to another.

Because each is comfortable with that chosen position when that position is changed: that is if the relationship breaks down, and for example the submissive has to start making their own decisions again a basic need is not being met and the result will often be unhappiness apprehension, and even fear, all of which can be associated closely with the mental and physical manifestations of drug withdrawal symptoms.

While my analogy is a simple one I hope it helps to define a little better how a D/s relationship might work. Of course in human relationships nothing is ever simple, and many factors are always dependent upon a multitude of other things, but in essence, and in my experience D/s relationships are habit forming, and once you have been there it is very hard to walk away without a need to return for more.

find this article on the seekers site in the general D/s section. click here